Sunday, April 19, 2015

The Ass Alarm

Since I've restarted this blog, I've realized that I have no information here anymore about what it's all about. A quick summary may be in order.

I have a disorder called a Mast Cell Activation Disorder. It doesn't have any more name than that because doctors don't yet know more than that. There are a few Mast Cell Activation Disorders that are known, and named. There are more that doctors are just now realizing exist. With testing, experts are comfortable enough to admit, 'yes, your mast cells are acting completely wacky.' But they don't know why, and they don't have names for my particular brand of wackiness as yet.

So I just get to say that I have MCAD and leave it at that.

And MCAD? It is truly bizarre and can lead to an amazing number of situations that are honestly rather ridiculous and hilarious.

Like my butt.


One thing MCAD does is makes your body have allergic reactions to things that you aren't actually allergic to. But this isn't just, say, having an allergic reaction to peanuts when you aren't allergic to them. This is having allergic reactions to things that are not allergies for anyone, anywhere. It's people have an allergic reaction to heat in the shower, or to getting frightened during a scary movie, or to barometric pressure changes in the weather.

Or to sitting on your butt. 

Yes, I have an allergic reaction to sitting on my ass, that's right. Or - and this is even better - my ASS has the reaction. 

When I have too much pressure for too long in one place, that part of my body starts to react, and that includes sitting on my behind. Thankfully for me, my reactions are pretty mild compared to many folks with this, so I don't go into anaphylaxis from sitting on my ass too long. I don't have it swell up to twice or three times its original size, which is good for all concerned because if my butt got too much bigger I wouldn't fit through the door anymore.

Elephants at Dieren park by russavia - wikicommons
I'd be like these two combined into one mega-elephant butt

Trapped by my ass in a doorway is not something I nor anyone else wishes to witness.

Thankfully, all I get is pain that simply grows worse and worse until it persuades me that yes, I should get up and go do something if I don't want to get a tush migraine for the rest of the day. This can be surprisingly effective in making my days more active.

It's like a little alarm against procrastination, embedded in my ass cells. 

I want to sit and read another chapter in a book, but oh, look at that, the ass alarm went off. Guess I'm getting up to go do dishes anyway. 

Hey, whaddaya know, the ass alarm says it's time to go on a walk. So glad it went off.

And look at that, the ass alarm is working with the back and stomach alarm today. Time to get out of bed, lazybones!

I feel that my ass is personally responsible for a huge uptick in productivity, since it entered my life.

I might even have enough energy to actually finish cleaning my house one day, if it weren't for the fact that  I'm also a champion procrastinator, so sometimes I will go to great lengths to ignore or avoid setting off the ass alarm. 

Like when reading, I'll slouch down and sit half on my back, and then shift to sit on a stool with mostly my thighs, and then shift to the right cheek, and then the left cheek, and then go lounge on a couch on one side or another (that book was good, okay? I had to finish it!).

Still, it can be surprisingly useful, having a reminder that you've been too long in one place. And as that reminder is going off right now, reminding me that I took too long to write this already, it looks like this will be the end of today's post. 

Here's wishing you good luck with your own alarm in the mornings. Hopefully it isn't as much of an ass as mine.



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